Bill the Vampire

Bill the Vampire There are reasons we fear the night He isn t one of them Meet Bill Ryder programmer gamer geek and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck

  • Title: Bill the Vampire
  • Author: Rick Gualtieri
  • ISBN: -
  • Page: 290
  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • There are reasons we fear the night He isn t one of them Meet Bill Ryder programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually someday ask out the girl of his dreams.However, then Bill met Sally She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of alloking hThere are reasons we fear the night He isn t one of them Meet Bill Ryder programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually someday ask out the girl of his dreams.However, then Bill met Sally She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of alloking hot Bill never stood a chance Before he knew what was happening Sally had lead him to his death, and that was only the beginning of his troubles Now Bill awakes to find himself an undead predator of the night The only problem is he s still at the bottom of the food chain He s in way over his head, surrounded by creatures dangerous, better looking, and a whole lot cooler than he is Worst of all is the dreaded Night Razor, a master vampire who just can t stand him He gives Bill a 90 day deadline to either prove himself or meet a permanent kind of death, and the deck is definitely stacked against him.But Bill isn t exactly average A vampire like him hasn t been seen in over five centuries He s got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies to help him out, and an attitude problem that makes him just too damn obnoxious to quit He may just pull it off if he doesn t get his teeth kicked in first.Bill the Vampire is an 80,000 word horror comedy adventure by Rick Gualtieri.

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      Published :2020-09-18T17:02:07+00:00

    About "Rick Gualtieri"

    1. Rick Gualtieri

      Rick Gualtieri loves to write adventure, mayhem, and snarky dialogue His bestselling Tome of Bill series combines all of this into a world of supernatural danger with hard hitting action and plenty of sharp tongued geeky humor.Rick lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him When he s not busy monkey clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them.Defilers beware Email rickgthor gmailFacebook facebook RickGualtieriAuthor

    530 thoughts on “Bill the Vampire”

    1. If you are a jackass and want to read about pussy-this and pussy-that, go ahead and read this. If misogyny isn't what you want to read about, don't read this. It's as simple as that. The description of this book, and cover, makes it seem like you'll be reading about some dorky vampire, but that isn't the case at all. Bill is revolting.And if that's not bad enough, after preaching every other sentence about how a woman is not important or worthy if she's ugly, well, he then goes on to justify scr [...]


    2. Bill The Vampire is Dinner for Schmucks meets True Blood. Bill Ryder is a nice, quiet guy. He keeps to himself. By day he is a programmer in a NYC game company. By night he plays online games and the occasional session of Dungeons & Dragons. He's a bit socially awkward and a few pounds overweight. So when the beautiful, vivacious super-model-type starts chatting him up on the subway he thinks that he has won the lottery. Sally invites him to a party. It seems to good to be true. It was.The p [...]


    3. This was readable, but way too long. Revenge of the Nerds meets Return of the Living Dead (the author suggested other horror/comedies, but I don't agree. Besides, I like RotLD).College/nerd humor complete with all the homophobia and sex obsession and quite an awful ending. Despite some Seinfeld-humor type grunts (rather than laughs) and a few pop culture reference hits (that I liked), consider my rating a rounded-up one


    4. This is a perfect book to read when you have a book hangover, or the last book you read was so terrible you need a brain scrub.It was full of witty banter garnished with sarcasm, a lot of it pointed at vampire cliches.


    5. I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them. Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even thou [...]



    6. It was an interesting story and well written, but I had a hard time with wanting to cheer for the protagonist. All the characters seemed to be similar, sure there were minute differences, but all the men were a-holes, the "bad guys" were jock a-holes while the "good guys" were nerd a-holes. All the women were stuck up with superiority complexes and willing to sell out anyone else at the drop of a hat. The good guys spent a lot of time thinking about how they were better than the bad guys, but al [...]


    7. Live, from New York!!, October 17, 2011By GeorgeannaThis review is from: Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) (Kindle Edition)I pictured Bill to look like Dan Akroyd when he was on Saturday Night Live! and I've got to tell you, it totally worked!! I laughed my butt off at this book. It's a completely different take on a subject that's mostly been populated with angst-ridden, drama queen characters. Bill's a big dork and he has dorky friends. Their quips, put downs, and one liners are perfectly d [...]


    8. *3.5 stars*Pure fun.This book is unlike any other that I've read. It is funny if you are into kind of geeky, self-deprecating, sophomoric humor (raises hand). It is a vampire book that mocks vampire books (LOVE) and it takes place practically in my backyard (Bill is from a neighboring town!!). Heavy on substance this is not, but it was a hilarious way to spend my afternoon. The audiobook had a spot-on narration (even if all of the characters sounded the same) and I found myself snorting out loud [...]



    9. Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflatter [...]


    10. Think of a mix between MaryJanice Davidson and Christopher Moore. If those two let their vampire novels mate and have a babe it would likely be Bill the Vampire. With Davidson's quick wit and Moore's penchant for hilarity they might create something suitable for everyone; which in and of itself surprised the Hell out of me.Bill the Vampire is the story about what happens when the geek becomes a vampire. Excellent thought process that never stops to take itself too seriously but is never so over- [...]


    11. Even for someone like me who feels obligated to read almost everything vampire-related, this was a "meh" book. It excelled at snark and sarcasm, just as the many reviews claimed. However, I couldn't help noticing that despite the main character making references to all the clichés that weren't being followed, in the end the book just chose slightly different clichés and followed those instead. The main character and his roommates seemed kind of like caricatures of geeks that someone who was ne [...]


    12. Gaultieri's Tome of Bill series is outrageous, ridiculous, vulgar, and possibly one of the best humorous fiction series I've read in a long time. Or ever. I don't even know if I should put this on my "guilty pleasures" list, because quite frankly these are exceptionally well-written novels and I'm not sure I should feel guilty about liking them.The series centers around Bill Ryder, a nerdy video game programmer, and thanks to him following his pants rather than his head one fateful night, a vamp [...]


    13. i LOVE this series- read them all back to back to back which although i like a good series, i rarely do because you get tired of hearing just one voice in your head, but Bill the Vampire is so awesome! The story is a little non traditional- instead of Bill being one of the beautiful vamps we know and love, he is rather more of a geek, kinda dumpy, utterly average game programmer and wears glasses but has a wicked sense of humor, coated generously with irony and world class timing. He also lives [...]


    14. This book had shown up in my suggestions for quite some time. I hadn't read a vampire book in awhile and I had the impression that this was a parody book. My impression was completely incorrect.This story is washed in a good amount of humor soap, but it is not a parody by any means. It's about what happens when a nerdy, tubby guy gets turned into a vampire. With the help of a smoking hot older vampire and his two nerdy friends, Bill bungles around as one of the newly undead.The writing was super [...]


    15. In the well written and very honest yet slightly rambunctious intro to this book, the author tells you exactly what this book isn't.It isn't your usual handsome vampire makes all females swoon type of book. Instead the reader gets a glimpse of what happens when a shy awkward geeky guy becomes a so called creature of the night.The humour is quirky and dry, but it didn't run smoothly throughout the book. It was more of an up and down wave of comedic scenes. The witty parts made me chuckle out loud [...]


    16. This very funny book imagines what it would be like if an ordinary, nerdy guy became a vampire. No sparkles, no extra sex appeal, just a vampire. I loved how his friends continued to have his back and help him out. I enjoyed the snarky tone the narrator (Bill) has. I could totally see this as a movie -- hope someone with those kind of connections can make that happen someday.If you avoided this thinking it's part of the whole hunky vampire thing, not to worry. Bill is an Everyman who makes his t [...]


    17. I read an interview with the author of the Bill Vampire series where he says he has a lot of fun writing these books. That fun carries over for the reader, too. Just a fun-loving story that had a lot of action and feel good moments. I would consider reading more in this series.


    18. Fun and funny. A vampire book with a with our main vampire acting as I believe most of us would with a sudden turn in lifestyle change. Fast past and humorous. A good, fun read.


    19. The first book in the Tome of Bill series finished. Very unlike other books I've read, written in good fun. Finally a book about the average nerd turned vampire. He is taken in by a coven of above average looking vampires, as the usual character type in vampire stories. A lot of humor and silliness ensues. It sort of reminded me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo being turned into a vampire. A bit long at times but usually most first books are in a series for a bit of world building. Other than the over- [...]


    20. "There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them."So begins the tale of Bill the vampire. He is snookered in to attending a party with a hot girl, which should have tipped him off that something wasn't quite right. Bill and attractive women, maybe even women in general, aren't exactly in the same league. Women tend to overlook Bill because of his geeky status, and that for most of the time, he is a bumbling idiot. At said party, Bill is turned into a vampire. Still a geek, still not ho [...]


    21. Bill the Vampire was an impulse purchase. I bought the book because the cover made me smile, and the price was cheaper than a Bloody Mary. How could I go wrong?At first, Bill the Vampire made me chuckle but seemed more suitable for someone in their twenties than for someone like me who is a . . . . no longer in their twenties.A few chapters in, I even considered dumping the book: “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll read until I laugh once more.” That took about a paragraph.Another chapter or so i [...]


    22. In a world that is heavily over-saturated with vampire fiction along comes Rick Gualtieri and 'Bill the Vampire' to change the scope of things for the better. From the cover, it's clear that Bill isn't your average vampire, he's just average and then turned into a vampire. In that way he is highly unique; you don't get the usual vampire image of hotter than hell, powerful as shit, or completely intelligent to the way vampires work. Part of the fun is the learning process, in becoming a vampire i [...]


    23. Its not horribly written and it has its moments when its almost funny, but there isn't a redeeming quality in a single character in the whole sorry book. Bill, the geek turned vampire, is one of those insecure fat-shaming, slut-shaming, self-pitying jerks who you know has a Tumblr blog where he rants about how he and his buddies are nice guys who always get friend-zoned by women, women who are all slutty worthless *itches he'd still nail if given half a chance. He also has no qualms about murder [...]


    24. Awful. I really wish I could've enjoyed this book, it has so many elements I love - geeks, vampires, an underdog hero but one giant flaw: the way the women are written and written about. It felt borderline violating.Example: one female vampire described early on how a male vampire could control her and the protagonist asks if they male vampire makes her have sex with him - not in a "wow that's scary, the bastards not raping you is he?" kind of way, no, in an excited kind of way, where he talks a [...]


    25. This is a horror comedy, also known as a Dark Comedy. I bought this book after downloading the sample chapters. I was hooked after Bill yells a Darkwing Duck quote at the vampires while trying to escape.Let me back up. On the way home from a day of shopping for D&D Manuals and gaming figurines, Bill meets knockout Sally on the subway. After a bit of flirting, Sally invites Bill to a party. Bill shows up, only to find the party is really a vampire hazing. They invite a bunch of geeks, turn th [...]


    26. This series was recommended to me based on my love for the Dresden Files, by Jim Butcher. While the narration style is very similar, and the characters are relatable to anyone who considers himself a geek/nerd as in the Dresden Files, they lack the one thing I love most about the series which is any redeeming qualities in the main characters whatsoever. Either the author is, or he intentionally made his characters to be misogynistic and with little or no moral compass. Though the premise and plo [...]


    27. With the world of literary vampires overrun with brooding sexpots, the notion of a geek-turned-vampire is a breath of fresh air. Being quite the nerd myself (and if you know why the number 42 is funny, you might be one, too), I was drawn to this book. And I found myself laughing in spite of myself. The character of Bill manages to be completely obnoxious yet somehow endearing at the same time. The thing that kept this from getting five stars from me is that I did think the sexually-obsessed nerd [...]


    28. Oh, Bill. You are the best of the vampires. Unless we're counting all the other vampires who know how to be a vampire and they're probably objectively better at vamping than you. But you, Bill, can throw down a Darkwing Duck reference and then kill somebody with an Optimus Prime action figure so, you know, you got that going for you.**Reviewer's note: Bill doesn't have a ton more going for him. It's a super fun story of your run of the mill nerd getting turn into an uber-vamp through no fault of [...]


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